May. 17, 2007:
Moved
Dec. 01, 2006:
The "And Then" Show
Nov. 27, 2006:
Those Turkey Day Blues
Nov. 21, 2006:
Me and The D
Nov. 17, 2006:
When Octopi Fly

Those Turkey Day Blues

Nov. 27, 2006

I'm sad. I'm sad and I don't know why. Maybe it's a spike in my hormone cycle (very likely). Maybe there are justifiable reasons (25% possibility). Maybe I am just having a shit day for no reason other than I woke up with a killer headache and now that it has finally subsided, I am feeling the loss of the endorphins. I don't know. I figure since I don't really know I will just write some and see where it gets me.

So Thanksgiving was good and bad, all at the same time. Ben and the wee kidlet and me went to his mate Hazel's house for some good ol' fashion turkey goodness. It was really good. Hoy, Hazel's hubby, makes some good food like OMG and Hazel is fun to talk to and be around - they are great people. Hoy's entire family showed up - there were about 30 adults and 5 kids. It seemed like there were more kids, since really, you get 5 kids together they just seem to swirl around and make more of themselves. Like dust bunnies and those weird bits of lint that seem to accumulate in ones pockets.

Perhaps that is part of the funk. I don't have babies. I don't really think that is going to happen for me. The rub is that everyone kept telling me how much Ben's wee one looks like... me. He's not mine. I love him, surely, but he is not mine. So it's weird to have people tell me how much he looks like me. It hits me in a part of my heart I have no protection on, since really, how do you protect your heart from baby-love? I don't know how, in any case. This has hurt me before (anyone remember the bloke in LA with the kidlet? Yeah...), so you would think I would have learned something about shielding the heart from baby-love and keep some part of me back so I don't get this hurty-pull on my heart. Yeah, that didn't happen.

I don't know really what else to say about that. There. There's some pull on my heart that is hurty that has no answer and no remedy. That's bound to put someone in a funk, certainly.

And then there was Thanksgiving at my 'rent's house. Considerably more low key than the hoards of people at Hazel's, but good and bad as well. Ben sort of just confirmed for me that the brother-in-law (BiL) is an asshat and that in my secret heart of hearts I would love to see my sister and nephew with someone... else. It makes me feel bad to say that, but sadly it is true. Ben called some attention to things Jay did around Jared that, while I had seen it, didn't really clue in to what it could mean. As I have already stated, I don't got babies, so really? Not going to clue in on these things. But Ben, who has two kidlets, was quick to see it. What did he see? The BiL calling the Nephew a little shit and a little turd. This sounds mostly innocuous, if a little annoying. But upon thought, your parents tell you who you are. For better or worse, if you get told since birth you are a little shit, then perhaps you are going to act like it and BE a little shit.

I don't want that for the Nephew. Especially since he is a sweet boy and good baby. He's sweet tempered and kind. He fusses, surely, but if you can figure out why he's mad/sad/upset and give him a fix, then he's back to happy! And really, at a year and some change, what fix could be so heinous that you would deny your baby the fix? It usually has something to do with he's hungry, he's wet, he's tired, or he's mad that you are not letting him do something. Woo hard. They are not complex, these wee ones. It's later when they get into that analytical thinking and all those hormones start rushing about that things get weird. Or more interesting, depending on how you view things.

I just get tired of the BiL not appreciating what a good baby he does have! But the sad thing is that while the BiL is saying these shitty things to the Nephew, my sister is not counteracting it with good words. I mean, she's not being negative, but she is not saying things like "What a good boy! What a sweet boy!" which really, I would prefer the Nephew be than the hard ass the BiL seems to want him to be.

Thankfully, the moms and pops DO talk very positively to the Nephew, and since they are with him half the day anyway, all is not completely lost. It just makes me realize that you must be a conscious human being when you have babies, and in the year and some change, the BiL has learned nothing when it comes to being a good daddy, let alone learning how to care for his infant son.

I wish they had gotten a divorce. Again, I feel bad about saying that, and yet? It is the truth of my feelings. Maybe the new baby will break his brain in or something... Yeah, probably not. *sigh*

So the Turkey day was good, but full of things I have no real equipment to deal with. I'm not a mom, but have mom duties with the boyfriend's baby and am perceived as the mom when we are out and about in the world. Dad duties for my flesh and blood are being skimped on and I have no recourse for correcting it or aiding the situation. I may or may not ever be a mom in the actual factual throwing a whelp from my loins kind of way, but now am trying to think mom-like when it comes to the boyfriendo's wee one and the flesh and blood one.

When the hell did this all get so damn complicated?

Oh, I also posted a previous entry thingie. Cheers!

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